Bisexuality and threesomes:
I was asked to write a post about threesomes, but I'll be honest; I was a bit reluctant.
First of all, because I have never been in a threesome myself. But also because threesomes are a sore subject for me to think about, talk about, and tackle in general.
Why a sore subject?
I have had many talks with many bisexuals about threesomes in the past, and the outcome is always the same for me: it always leaves me feeling bad about myself, deeply jealous, and anxious—not to say borderline panicky.
Good for some, but not for all:
I firmly believe some people are meant for open relationships and threesomes or foursomes or more.
Some people aren't.
I am in the second category.
I have spent years wondering if I should try a threesome, but it's always felt like peer-pressure. Just like how so many teens are peer-pressured into having sex when they're not even ready or interested, I feel like some bisexuals are peer-pressured into having threesomes even when so many of them are not interested, ready, or willing.
I know it is a common belief that all bisexuals are into threesomes, but it is a false belief that hurts many of us who do not conform to it.
Those who love it:
Like I said, I've talked to many bisexuals who have had threesomes, MMF, FFM, and nonbinary.
Though I don't want to make generalizations, they pretty much all said they loved it and would do it again. And I believe them. It does sound pretty awesome.
However, those conversations are always draining me emotionally, physically, and mentally. They are draining because it has been difficult to find a middle between my desires and fantasies and what I know I can and cannot do. It has been draining me for over fourteen years now, and I wish it would stop. I often wish the desires would stop. I often wish the pondering would stop.
Yes, I fantasize about threesomes—A LOT—with people of all genders. I think it's the hottest thing where sex is concerned. But, and that BUT is big, while the fantasies bring me joy, dwelling too much on the reality of it happening simply makes me feel awful.
It makes me feel awful because I have been brainwashed into thinking that if I don't have threesomes, I'm not a real bi.
If I don't go with a woman, I'm not a real queer.
I would like to say the brainwashing only came from straight media out there, but the truth is it also came from within the bi community.
Toxic patronizing among bi women:
A while back, I used to go on a queer Forum where I talked to many different people. I was eventually forced to stop because of how detrimental the Forum was to my mental health. I mean, it really fed into my depression to the point where I was close to hurting myself.
Part of the issue had to do with some of the bisexual women on the Forum.
Bi men have never been an issue with me. Many bisexual men need someone who will listen to them, someone who won't judge them. It is hard for bisexual men to find such people out there, and I don't mind listening. They never patronize me. They never make me feel like I am less than. They often simply seek comfort into thinking being a bi man is okay.
Some bisexual women, however, take it to a whole different level.
Back when I was on that Forum, I received many DMs where those women plain told me I was missing out on life because I didn't have a girlfriend on the side or because I never had threesomes.
It really messed up with my head.
Some of them kept insisting, telling me my life was basically incomplete.
They said they pitied me, called me a "poor little thing" and all kinds of other patronizing nicknames.
It hurt a LOT.
It made me feel like I was less than what I should be. It angered me, too. And just thinking about it still brings tears to my eyes.
Worst of all, it made me feel like something was wrong with me that I wasn't willing to even try a threesome. And when the line is crossed where strangers make you feel like you are not normal, then something is seriously not right. It's even worse when you are queer and already struggling with your identity and self-loathing.
So I would kindly ask the bisexual women out there who play those little games to please stop. You're hurting us. Stop telling us that we need to have a girlfriend. Stop forcing your beliefs on us. Everyone is different.
Monogamy working great for me:
I have been with the same man for almost fifteen years now. And things are going great.
We are the kind of couple who rarely fights, who talks openly to solve problems before they get to explode. We are both flawed, but we accept each other's flaws because of the qualities. It's not always smooth, but no marriage ever is.
My husband is my best friend, my lover, and my family all in one. My husband saved my life when I met him, and I don't know if many people really understand what I mean by that.
So when a complete stranger drops uninvited into my DMs to imply that my marriage is incomplete because I don't have any experience with other people, or that I am not really bi because I never experimented during my marriage, it rubs me in all the wrong ways.
Monogamy is also common among bisexuals:
In spite of the stereotypes, I know that many bisexuals (of all genders) are in my situation too.
Some have never been with the same gender.
Some have only ever been with one person their entire lives.
And some have had plenty of casual sex in the past and gave that up upon getting married.
Many bisexuals have strong desires but don't act upon them.
The way I see it is that it is the same for all orientations.
Straight people and gay people often get settled down and don't get to have people on the side either. And you know what? That's fine.
Being poly is fine. Being monogamous is fine, too. People should be free to do what is right for them.
I hate how so many monogamous people judge polyamorous people—especially polyamorous women who are viewed as sluts as soon as they sleep with more than one person in their lives.
But I also dislike how some polyamorous people try to convince monogamous people to do things that don't work for their couples or their personalities.
I once talked to my polyamorous friend about how those bi women were talking to me on that Forum, and she reassured me that it was wrong, that people should do what is right for them—monogamous or not.
Why would a threesome be bad for me?
The reason why I don't want a threesome is very simple: in spite of my desire for women, I simply don't want to see my husband with another woman.
That's just how I am, and well, it's fine.
I don't have to force it upon myself if I know it will hurt me. I don't have to do something that could damage the beautiful relationship I have with him.
It doesn't make our marriage any less strong. It doesn't make me any less bi.
Things would be different if I were single and was just experimenting with friends. But I know it just won't happen now because too many emotions would be involved. And trying to convince myself that it should happen is not only wrong, but it is detrimental to my mental health.
He and I do enjoy discussing women together and joking about women flirting with him or me or both. But that's about how far we're willing to let it go.
There is a point where one needs to decide if a fantasy should be acted upon, and if so, at what cost. Some fantasies are best left in the mind, where they are safe and can't hurt you. And that's okay.
It's just fine!
If you are into threesomes and sharing, then have all the fun. As long as everyone is consenting, you're not hurting anyone. Don't let other people tell you otherwise or slut-shame you. What you do in your bedroom is your concern only, and no one should judge you for it.
If you're monogamous and don't want to act upon your fantasies, or if you don't even fantasize about a threesome, that doesn't make you any less bi.
I won't talk about people on the ace spectrum because asexuality isn't something I know much about. But I think these beliefs that bisexuals should be into threesomes or be into sex at all also hurt asexual people.
It doesn't make you a broken bi to be monogamous. It doesn't make you straight or gay either. It doesn't make you any less bi if you don't like sex.
And it doesn't make you a bad bisexual or a stereotype if you love sex and threesomes either.
I'll just finish by saying that I have a few threesomes happening in my books. I have MMF, MMM, FFM... I also have bi characters who have never had a threesome and just don't want to.
I like writing threesomes because it's the one way I get to let out my frustrations. And like I said, I find them really hot. Since I've never been in a threesome, I usually have people read the scenes who have been, so I know it's accurate. *winks*
But threesomes just aren't for me in real life, apparently.
Thank you for asking about this topic. This will be my only post about threesomes since it's not a subject I like to think about much and it brings up all kinds of issues for me. But I hope it helped make more bisexuals feel normal, whether they are into threesomes or not.
I wanted to thank the people who contacted me to tell me about their experiences to help with this blog post. Those people also helped me understand why the subject hurts for me in general, and they've helped me accept that it is okay if I never have a threesome.