Thursday, June 27, 2019

Those details indicating that you're bi

Those details indicating that you're bi

A little while ago, a reader asked me to write a post about those little details that should have told me I was bi back when I thought those were things straight people thought and did.
Many bisexual people know their orientation early on, but many of us don't find out until much later. That was my case.

Like I've said many times before, I come from a region of France that is highly heteronormalized, where queers are ostracized, and where bisexuals simply do not exist. Again...yes, we do exist. What I mean is we are so erased that we might as well be ghosts. Without mentioning all the homophobic comments that push us to repress that queer side of ourselves and bury it very deeply.

There were a few things that should have told me I was queer, yes, but I thought that was how all straight people thought and felt. 

1 - My first bisexual friend:
The first time I ever met someone actually out as a bisexual in real life, I was sixteen years old. It may seem strange to some people who are used to being around queers, but I had to wait sixteen years to meet a bisexual. 
She was a friend of mine. 
Though I didn't know I was bi at the time, I was fascinated with her. 
Little virgin me was fascinated with the fact that she had already slept with people of different genders. And what I believed to be awe back then was what I now realize to have been a crush. 
Had I known I was bi back then, I would have been tempted to dig further and see if we could be more than friends. Maybe...

2 - Women have better-looking bodies:
Back in my teens, I once told my mom that women looked better naked than men. Back then, I only thought in binary terms. I mean, what do you expect from a French girl who grew up in the middle of nowhere? Everything I know today, I learned on my own by educating myself. 
So back then, I was truly surprised when my mom reacted very strongly and negatively to what I had just said. 
I now think that all genders look beautiful, but back then, I firmly believed women were more beautiful.
My mom's reaction should have been an indication that my views of the world didn't match a straight woman's views. But I simply assumed she was weird and narrow-minded, ahah. 

3 - My fascination with some female singers:
Back when I was a teenager, there were some female singers and actresses I was fascinated with. Back then, I thought it was only admiration because I mostly wanted to be like those women. But the more I came to accept my orientation, the more I realized that I didn't feel the same kind of jealousy toward beautiful women that some straight women seem to experience. I guess because I don't see beautiful women as rivals, but more as potential lovers (even if I never act on those desires). And I now realize that what I took for fascination back then was probably a crush on those singers.

4 - My first time in the US:
Moving to the US is what opened my eyes to my orientation. It was the first time that I lived in a place that wasn't so heteronormalized that it crushed my true self. 
My first reaction when I met so many bisexuals was, "Is this a trend in this country or something?"
That shows you how repressed I was and how closeted queers (especially bisexuals) are in France. 

5 - My first real crush:
Moving to the US was the time I met my first female crush. I couldn't deny the truth anymore, though it took me a while to understand what was going on and accept it.
She was a friend of mine. She was bi. And she was Chinese American. 
I have to explain that I have a preference for women of color or white women with very dark hair. 
I truly believe my sexuality had never fully developed until then because I come from a very white area of France. 
There were two black students in my middle school, no Asians, and no one from the Middle East. 
It's a bit difficult to realize you're bi when your favorite type doesn't live in your area. 
I guess meeting my friend was the detonator I needed because she was exactly my type. 

6 - The goth community:
About half the people I know IRL are bisexual. I always say that I know they are bi because they are my friends, but everyone else would tell you they are straight or gay because they only factor the relationship the person is in at that moment. 
Now, a bunch of the people I know come from the goth community—an open-minded community filled with queers—a community that helped me open my mind even more.

7 - Betrayal from my best friend:
My ex-best friend is a bi woman. She and my husband both helped me tremendously on my bisexual journey. They helped me accept myself and be free.

She and I used to be closer than sisters, and I never saw her as anything else. I don't get physically attracted to people easily, and I was never attracted to her that way. 

It never crossed my mind that she may have been sexually attracted to me. Not until about a year ago when she sent nasty messages to my husband in which she called me all kinds of names. 
In those messages, she said that I was a prude and that she knew that for a fact because she had spent so much time trying to get in my pants. 

That came as a shock to me. First, because I never viewed her that way and never considered she might like me as more than a friend. But also because back when I met her, I was slowly recovering from a depression that nearly took my life. 

I got very upset at the messages and told my husband that if I was still a virgin at age twenty-two, it was because when I was living in France, my sole focus was on trying to survive and that every single day was a fight to remain alive. I had no space in my life for anyone else. I didn't want anyone to carry the burden of my depression. So I didn't date anyone for over three years that I was in college. 

Only recently did my husband acknowledge that my ex-friend's bitterness toward me was strange. He said that from his point of view, she had been hoping to have a threesome with the two of us for years and grew bitter overtime when she saw it was never going to happen. 

Though her attitude felt like a stab, her toxicity had nothing to do with her orientation, but everything to do with her personality. I never belonged to her, and it was arrogant of her to think the only reason why I wouldn't sleep with her was because I'm a "prude." 
Just because I'm bi doesn't mean I'll have sex with you and everyone else around me... 

8 - Where am I now?
All those factors were part of my journey as a bisexual. 
I am now in a place where I have fully accepted myself and no longer hate myself.
I am not in a place where I would come out of the closet yet. And I will never be in that place with certain people around me. It's a basic survival instinct of not giving those people weapons they could use against me.
But that doesn't mean I'm not proud of who I am. Always remember that trying to survive isn't a lack of pride. 

Thank you for reading!!!