Wednesday, August 7, 2019

Response to biphobic tweets

This has been quite a month for bisexuals. Phew.

I swear, it's as if the amount of biphobic tweets and comments coming up in my feeds is increasing by the day. 
One just needs to read any article about bisexuality to find them...coming from both straight people and queers. 

So here are samples of the biphobic comments I see in my feeds nearly every single day, followed by my response to them.
I was nice enough to keep the names out of the screenshots, which I didn't even have to do since these comments are public...

These two tweets came from someone who is part of the LGBTQ community... 

So let's make a few points clear:
1 - Bisexual women do not need to be more into women than other genders to prove they are queer. There is this thing called sexual fluidity, you may want to look it up. A woman can absolutely be more into men and still be bisexual. 
When queers say they were born that way, most queers take that for granted.
So why is it that a bisexual woman isn't allowed to be born with a stronger inclination toward men and still be queer? 

2 - I don't feel uncomfortable at Pride events. If anyone feels uncomfortable, it's you, apparently. 

3 - It's funny to hear you call bisexuals "biphobic" considering your tweets reek of biphobia... Please stop projecting your own issues on our community. Our plate is full already.

4 - Who are you to decide if a person is cis or straight? The couple could be two transgender people who happen to be bi. The couple could be two nonbinary people who happen to be pan. The couple could be straight allies coming to Pride to spend money on donations for our community. 
Do you prefer to reject cishet people and have them hate on us? Because that's what your tweet sounds like. 
Really, check your internalized hatred because it's really sad. 

When I asked this person if she was bisexual, she went on straight attacks calling me a "stupid fuck." 
Mmm, okay. Well, I may be a stupid fuck, but I think bisexual men deal with enough hatred as it is, and maybe queers should cut them some slack and leave them alone. There is absolutely nothing in the term "bisexual" that erases women. Your tweet though does erase nonbinary people...

Oh, the eternal "I have a friend who..."
So let me stop you right there. It doesn't matter if you have bisexual friends, that doesn't give you, a non-bisexual, the right to talk in their name. 

First tweet: 
1 - Yes, lady, many of us bisexuals have only ever dated people of one gender in our lives. The reason for that is the erasure we go through in society (read tweets below to see such erasure). Because of that erasure, many of us don't even understand our own feelings and attractions until we are already married or in a committed relationship. 
So should we just cheat on our partners to prove to bigots like you that we are, indeed, bisexual? 
Is that what you are suggesting? 

2 - No, bisexuals do not owe it to you to make a list of all their sexual partners to prove to you they are bisexual. It is none of your business whom they slept with. 
We don't ask straight people to give us a list of everyone they've ever slept with. 
Why are you asking that of us? It's inappropriate and gross, really. 

3 - "She's only 25." 
Lady, I found out I was bi at 22 because I come from a heteronormalized place where bisexuality doesn't even "exist." The erasure there is unbelievable. 
I got married at age 24. 
That doesn't make me any less bi. 
It means that, in spite of what some bigots like to say about us, bisexuals can be monogamous. Sorry if that disappoints you and interferes with your biased views on our community. 
We don't exist just to fit into your stereotypes and satisfy your twisted views.

If we sleep with people of different genders, we are greedy sluts who can't decide. If we sleep with just one gender, we are not queer.
We can never win.
How about you just leave us alone? Have you ever considered that an option?

Second tweet:
1 - Again, you don't get to speak for bisexuals just because you have "some friends who..." Especially if you're using said friends as a support for your own bigotry or to gaslight people and tell them their experiences are not real.

2 - Let's be clear, your friends were never bisexual. They were bicurious straights or gays. There is a huge difference... 
Also, many gay people think they are bi at first because our society is so heteronormalized, it's very difficult for them to come to terms with their sexuality. And that's perfectly fine. But it doesn't give them the right to erase bisexuals or hate on them later on. 
As for your straight friends who were just "exploring" and who are now erasing an entire community, that's even worse. It's worse because, as privileged people, they deem themselves the right to speak unfavorably for a marginalized community already stigmatized by the likes of you. 

3 - Maybe, just maybe, the bi men you know are calling themselves straight because of the hatred they had to deal with when they were actually out. It's not your place or anyone's place to judge why a queer needs to "pass" or "act straight" in order to survive. 

The fact that you used the words "lifestyle" and "choice" in just one sentence says it all... Your tweet is a perfect example of the gaslighting bisexuals go through every day. 

Biphobia doesn't exist? All the tweets above and below point to the contrary, buddy.

Also, we'll stop using labels when you stop calling yourself straight or heterosexual, and when you stop saying things like "no homo" or "that's so gay."
How about that? Does it sound fair enough? 

Sigh... If I got money every time I saw messages like this one... I'd be rolling in gold.

First of all, we are not talking about our sexual activities... That's what people like you read in the terms "queer," "gay," 'bi," and even in the term "transgender" which has nothing to do with sexuality.
When most people see straight couples kiss, it's tender love, but when it's gays doing it, it's sex... You think we don't know how people think and view us? That is part of the issue that is "totally lost on you."
Also, it is not a "preference." "Preference" implies we have a choice. Is it your "preference" to sleep with men? I don't think so. That's just how it is.

So why do queers feel the need to talk about their orientation?

1- Because it is our right to come out if and when and where and to whom we want.

2- Because being queer comes with a lot of loneliness and a need to know other people like us do exist. It's a basic human need for any human being to want to know they are normal and that there are other people who feel the way they do. Straight people don't need to come out because they are everywhere in the media. They know they exist. They are validated. Queers need to come out so they can see each other and know they are not alone. Again, it's a very basic human need.

3- Because when all queers are closeted, bigots think that gives them the right to oppress said queers. It makes bigots feel stronger to think the queer population is small. Because of that, queers have no choice but to come out and unite.

4- Queers do not owe it to you to remain closeted just because their orientation makes you uncomfortable.
5- In an ideal world, no one would ever need to come out, but since we live in a hateful world, that's how it rolls. Sorry to disappoint, not sorry.

What you like to call "constructive criticism" is actually nothing more than blatant bigotry. No, we do not owe it to you to accept your hatred without speaking up.
I am bi and yes, I am deeply aware that I am privileged to be married to a cis man.
I know how privileged I am.
Do you want to know how I know? Because I'm terrified of coming out, of the consequences on my life, my job, my relationship with my family...
So yes, I am aware that gay people don't have that luxury.
But me acknowledging that doesn't make someone like you any less of a bigot...


So, to all those out there who've been attacking bisexuals, telling us biphobia isn't real, that no one in the LGBTQ community hates us, and who've been gaslighting us...that was your proof that biphobia in its various forms is very real and that it comes from straights and queer people alike...

These are comments I collected over the past few weeks alone. Imagine how much of it would add up in a year, a decade... 

I would like to finish by saying that I have gone through my fair share of biphobia and gaslighting in my life, especially since my book came out. So far, none of the hateful direct messages I've received to attack me and my work came from bisexuals... Many of the messages started with "I am not bisexual, but..." However, those messages were sent to me to tell me that no one can be as biphobic as the characters in my book, that I am an idiot and an ignorant moron... Some people even called me biphobic because I dared create biphobic characters (some of whom are queers themselves). 

So above was your proof that biphobic people do exist. It is also proof that your erasure of bisexuality and bisexuals' suffering as a whole, as well as your gaslighting, hurt the bisexual community. 
Unless you are bisexual, you don't get to tell us when we should come out and to whom, you don't get to tell us our experiences are not real, or that our suffering is invalid. Actually, even bisexuals cannot tell other bisexuals that, because everyone is different and is allowed to live their life as they please. 

I am not an authority on bisexuality, bisexuals, or biphobia. I've always said I wasn't. But you don't know me. You don't know if I have lost bisexual friends to biphobia directed at them (for your information, I have...). You don't know what my life as a bisexual and a queer is like every single day. 

Everyone's experience is different, and I am happy and grateful for any queer who got to have an easy life. My life has been very easy compared to that of so many other queers—extremely easy. But that doesn't mean that their pain isn't real and isn't worthy of recognition. That would never give me or someone like me the right to gaslight them and tell them their experiences are not real and valid.    

Thank you for reading.