Saturday, November 23, 2019

The truth about so-called allies

I had some really dark thoughts last night again. That hadn’t happened in over two years. They've been resurfacing these past couple of months, and it's been scaring the hell out of me. Yes, when I say dark thoughts, I mean urges to hurt myself—irrevocably.

I can’t tell if it’s my postpartum hormones messing with my head or all the fucking gaslighting and hatred I have been receiving as a bisexual since REWIND came out. Probably both, honestly. 

I have been struggling as a queer person for years, for about fifteen years actually, ever since I realized I wasn’t straight.

First, I struggled because I couldn’t tell if I really wasn’t straight. I didn't understand why I felt the way I did for only a few women (very few, actually) and not all of them. Because bi people are supposed to want to fuck everything that moves, right? After all, isn't that how other communities constantly represent us? Isn't that the distorted reflection every bisexual is supposed to see in the mirror built by our society? So if I didn’t want to fuck all that moved, I couldn’t truly be bi, right?

I come from a place where bisexual people are basically unicorns. We don't exist...or we're not allowed to exist, only be erased over and over again. 

Eventually, I was forced to accept that I wasn’t straight. I had to work on my internalized homophobia, on healing from the constant disgust my family shows toward LGBT people (and especially toward lesbians and queer women).

And now, I have to live with the fact that having a child means I will have to fully come out someday because I can’t raise my child to respect me as a queer if my child doesn’t know who I am. And the thought of being out has been terrifying me.

I have been struggling because of all that but also because of the blatant hatred and gaslighting thrown at me as a queer, especially as a bisexual. 

I’ll just say what many queers are unwilling to tell you: your subconscious hatred of some LGBT people, your constant gaslighting, your rude denial of our experiences, every time you tell us that things can’t be “that bad” for queers, all that is killing us. Slowly but surely. Yes, I'm talking to you, so-called “allies." Yes, you are killing us the same way bigots are. 

Every time I read about a bisexual kid who committed suicide because of biphobia, I think of you. Every time I think about the lights in my life that were extinguished because hateful bigots put them out while the rest of you said nothing, while the rest of you gaslighted us and told us "it can't possibly be that bad," every time, I think of you and how you are killing us too. 

When you gaslight us, you become part of a system that oppresses us. When you choose to remain silent or you ask us to shut the fuck up when faced with the truth of our experiences, you become part of the problem. So we end up with no voice out there, no one who will listen, no one who will fight for us but us.

Worse, you think as an ally you get to choose whom to support? You’ll support gay men, but you'll show disgust toward other queers. You'll support cis queers but deny the existence or pain of anyone who isn't cis. 
Well, I hate to break it to you, but none of that makes you an ally. It makes you a hypocrite. No better than a bigot slowly killing us. And no, the fact that some queers behave that way doesn't mean you should do it too.

And when you don’t hate on us or gaslight us, you fetishize us, you want to watch us fuck, or you want to fuck us.
But never for the right reasons either.
You want to use our sexuality for your own entertainment and pleasure, but you don’t actually give a damn about our trials and pain.
I would know. As a bisexual, I know that all too well. Many people either want to fuck us, watch us fuck, or watch us die. And no, this is not an overstatement.

The truth about our lives bothers you because it disrupts your privileged existence. 
Unless you have abusive parents, you will never know what it’s like to have your family show disgust for everything that you are over something you cannot control. You won’t know what it’s like to wake up every morning knowing your family hates you though they don't even know they do. And you won’t know what it’s like to live in the constant fear of your family and everyone around you finding out what you are. To fear for your job, your reputation, your very life because you were not born straight. 

You prefer to remain ignorant and not find out what it truly means to be queer because you don’t have to care. You can just pretend you do and go to bed patting yourself on the back for being such a wonderful “ally.”

But when so-called allies use us for sex, gaslight us, deny our pain and experiences, or subtly insult us, calling us idiots and morons, it hurts more than when bigots use anti-queer slurs because those same people who pretend to be allies take away all the protection and faith we thought we had among and in cishet people.
We end up no longer trusting you.

All the blatant hatred I have received as a queer from so-called allies in this damn book industry has been slowly killing me. 
Never did I think I would receive such hatred from so-called allies, people who like to pretend they care about LGBT people. But it’s been there from the very start. I am not sure if it breaks my heart or if it disgusts me more or both. 

I have seen cishet authors send their readers after queer authors because, for some reason, they think queer authors shouldn't get a shot at writing for and about their own damn community.  Because they think only they should get to represent queers or to decide how queers should be represented. 
Because for centuries now, cishet people have been telling queers how they should behave if they are to be accepted. They've been deciding how queers should be viewed or what they think life as a queer truly is like. 
This oppression of queer people by cishets hasn't stopped, and it's not about to stop anytime soon.

I haven't been feeling well—at all. And I have to take a step back from writing, but it doesn't mean I'll shut up about what bisexuals go through every fucking day because of some cishet people out there and sometimes because of other queers too. And I don't give a shit if you don't like it. 

However, I would like again to thank my readers (queers as well as cis, straight readers) and everyone who has been there for me. I am sorry I have to take a break, but the choice right now is literally between keeping on writing and undergoing this constant hatred or stopping for a while and surviving. Thank you SO much for being here. Thank you SO much for reading my books. Thank you for reading this blog. Thank you for telling me my books made you feel good and seen and for telling me my books have helped you. You are the reason why I have been writing. And though I'm taking a break, you still matter so much to me.

I also wanted to thank our real allies out there, those who truly care what happens to us, those who listen, those who don't simply use us, talk over our voices, or fetishize us. Thank you!